Sick As A Parrot

Not every team has one and I'm fortunate in that very few of the teams I've been on has had one. However when we have pickup games, due to breaks between seasons or public holidays meaning that attendances would be low, I've had this misfortune to have one on my team with startling regularity. There's this particular type of bloke, always a bloke since it's not a co-ed team, who, through genetics, habit or an unseen force anointing him, takes it upon himself to vociferously tell his team mates what to do. That's great you say because communication on the pitch is hugely effective in a team game. Absolutely, I'll concede but I'd like to see some level of correlation between said blokes instructions and his own ability. Screaming 'CONTROL!' at some poor sap at the point at which he would have done something reasonable with ball only then to be startled like a 3 year old with a jack-in-the-box is not really contributing to the team. Even better ...

Here's my caption for today's soccer blog:- "Realizing that his team mates were unworthy of his superlative set-up play, The Unselfish One was finally left with few options other than to peel away from and dribble past two defenders inside the box and crack a perfect finish in off the far-side post to put us in the lead. Indeed the echo of the shot smacking the post rung out across the entire pitch as a testament to the Rooneyesque quality of the goal ..." Basically he lobbed in a cross and with the now expected level of accuracy it evaded the on rushing attackers, waiting defenders and bamboozled the goal keeper who was expecting to leap forward but had to recoil backwards. Fortunately the post saved what was an awful cross and transformed it into a match leading goal. Next week he'll be providing the lottery numbers from under a ladder whilst breaking a mirror etc etc. 1 - 1 in what was a fairly even game that shou...

You try to avoid some things but then there's always this bloke banging on about doing this that and the other... " You have plenty of ammunition for the Blog this week! and don't forget your toe richocet two yards out from my Giggs-like, flighted cross ;-) ". I'm supposed to mention a flighted corner that bounced off a couple of blokes heads and ended up on my right foot and then, before I could react, ricocheted past the post by 2 feet. I should also mention a right foot drive that skimmed off a defenders head and a left foot wallop that troubled no one. All of this is irrelevant compared to the free kick Martin sent to the back post that the keeper failed to hold and subsequently pushed into the net. Great free kick if lobbing in high balls to a midget is your idea of a good time. The reason I have total sympathy for the keeper was because of my own horror show in goal. At halftime we were leading 2 - 1 at which point I did my stint between the sticks. Two minu...

A game riddled with passes down the middle and chances going a begging. I stand guilty as charged for missing at least two bankers. One particular time he picked me out whilst I was making a diagonal run, sweeping past two defenders. The pass however smacked my ankles and his reasoning was that I ran too fast. Naturally the pass was perfect but it's still the first time, probably in all footy history, that a team mate has been accused of being too fast. He bellowed through most of the game like a rutting walrus. Afterwards I mentioned that I was playing up front so I didn't think I needed to charge back like a midfielder, every time they attacked. 'Oh' he says I thought you were playing central mid 'You should have told me'. 'What and deny you the opportunity to yell at someone'. The womens game on the next field distracted him during a throw in. "Too much junk in the trunk" he says, "But I wanted to get close enough to make sure". L...

So I send this email to Martin on the eve of our next game: 'Tuesday, 10pm, home dressing room, Stamford Bridge. Andriy Shevchenko is taking Michael Essien to task on his performance in the night's embarrassing 1-1 draw with Rosenborg. The former European footballer of the year tells Africa's finest midfielder that he tried to make too many passes through the centre of the Norwegians' formation where '70 percent of their players were'. Essien learns he should have been passing to the wings 'where they only had 30 percent of their men'. You are Essien And in response he sends back this message: Hey Sheva!, This clear disrespect for the Scottish-style game will cost you an "assist" tomorrow!, I may even elect to shoot from 12 yards out - rather than try to deliver a telling pass to you, only for you to pirouette yourself into the ground! This one needs to go on sickasaparrot.com! And Essien's a dirty bastard, which is what I like about the ...

We're all waiting for Martins review of todays game and while we wait here's a video from one of our previous games. Try to spot Martin, Phil, James and Big Ron. Enjoy!

Eyes as big as saucers and probably salivating to boot. I'm talking about First Touch Phil and I need to set the scene... We had no league games this weekend on account of it being Easter but there was a rolling pickup game. The pickup game lasts about 4 hours with about a minute break every 20 minutes for people to sub in or out. We normally play 4 or 5 of the 20 minute segments and Martin had elected to go in goal for one of them. Phil was on the opposing team and turned into a marauding centre forward once he saw Martin between the sticks. There was a two on two situation with Jinksy , I think, flying down the left wing - past our right back and me tracking Phil in the centre. The ball is crossed perfectly and I reckon Phil was already to wheel away in a goal celebration as he got in front of me. Martin stood in goal like a stunned mullet. First Touch, normally so reliable, blew it completely and ball continued it's merry way to the other side of the pitch where upon I coll...