There a few things in life you need to experience in order to consider your life well lived. Amongst these is the drunken walk home with a mate proclaiming love, in a manly bloke like manner of course. Not that there's anything wrong with the other 2 blokes loving each other kind of love, but... Also a big greasy fry up the morning after... has got to be on the list. The morning after many things in fact. The big greasy fry up both kick starts and celebrates a great weekend. I suppose some sexual accomplishments should also be listed in amongst ones life achievements but yet again I'm deviating.
Constraining ourselves to things of a footballing nature I reckon you want to make sure you do the following:
1. Score a goal - obvious really but there a loads of variations to this: the bullet shot, side foot, a curler, one-on-one etc.
2. Put through a defence splitting pass - ideally leading to a goal but hey you've done your bit and if those lazy mothers who call themselves forwards.....
3. Goal line clearance.
4. Save a penalty.
5. Go on a Giggs like mazy dribble.
6. Execute a one-two - also called a wall pass.
7. Curl in a free kick.
8. Score with the 'other' foot and mean it.
9. Score with the head and complete the Platini set.
10. Sliding tackle and coming away with the ball.
11. Attempt a step-over and not look like a prat.
The list could probably do with some additions but moving on. There are of course a bunch of other things you do not want to experience:
1. Back heel to an attacker - see previous post for details how to perform this. Come to think of it, doing anything stupid that leads to a goals also counts. You do gain credit, however, by saying 'my fault lads'.
2. Score an own goal - yes technically it is scoring a goal but really this is not the goal you want to score.
3. Blaze over the crossbar from less than 5 yards out. Anything further out than this is fine.
4. Turn up with flash kit and be a rubbish player.
5. Swing and a miss - not only looks bad but you can seriously loosen the tackle when you leg attempts to fly over your head.
6. Give up a penalty.
7. Fail to applaud the injured as they limp pathetically off the field.
8. Attempt a step-over and look like a prat.
If I add up the achievements of the last year I believe the 'good' list comes out at 4 and the 'bad' list is 3 so I'm doing pretty well. Well, until this weekend that is. Number 6 from the bad list was added to my list of footballing achievements and in keeping with how these things go it was horribly compounded thus: Gave away the penalty, that was scored from, that put the opposition in the lead, that was about 5 minutes from end of the game.
Gutted, absolutely gutted esp when our equalizer was ruled out for offside and when we were denied a supposed dead cert penalty in the first half.
Gutted because it wasn't even deliberate. Getting called for a deliberate hand ball is a fair cop and you know that you owe your team mates one. But when a ball comes flying in and smacks you on the hand which is at about hip level and no movement of hand to ball was made, then it doesn't seem fair. Apparently the problem was that, after contact, the ball bounced perfectly in front of me and I was thus able to control it and move out of defence easily. As comical as this sound it seems that if I had hurtled off in the opposite direction then if would not have been given. Go figure. I didn't even say 'my fault lads' so double negative points.
Gutted because we should have won the game. Two sides pretty evenly matched but since we were short of numbers we had a couple of ringers, Paul in defence doing an awesome job and Dan, the M3 driving nutter, who scored a curler from a free kick. We got the free kick because the defender thought the ball had gone out, picked it up for a throw in, and, threw it to one of his team mates. Problem was the ball didn't go out but merely crossed the 18 yard line. Poor b***ard, number 1 on the do not do list I reckon.
Gutted because up to that point I was imperious in defence even playing in the unfamiliar central defence position. Another footballing truism - you are either brilliant or suck totally there's no in-between. Last week I was brilliant, this week, back to earth with a thump.
For the Martin watchers amongst you, ask the crossbar what it's like to be caressed by one of his shots. Sorry make that two.
Constraining ourselves to things of a footballing nature I reckon you want to make sure you do the following:
1. Score a goal - obvious really but there a loads of variations to this: the bullet shot, side foot, a curler, one-on-one etc.
2. Put through a defence splitting pass - ideally leading to a goal but hey you've done your bit and if those lazy mothers who call themselves forwards.....
3. Goal line clearance.
4. Save a penalty.
5. Go on a Giggs like mazy dribble.
6. Execute a one-two - also called a wall pass.
7. Curl in a free kick.
8. Score with the 'other' foot and mean it.
9. Score with the head and complete the Platini set.
10. Sliding tackle and coming away with the ball.
11. Attempt a step-over and not look like a prat.
The list could probably do with some additions but moving on. There are of course a bunch of other things you do not want to experience:
1. Back heel to an attacker - see previous post for details how to perform this. Come to think of it, doing anything stupid that leads to a goals also counts. You do gain credit, however, by saying 'my fault lads'.
2. Score an own goal - yes technically it is scoring a goal but really this is not the goal you want to score.
3. Blaze over the crossbar from less than 5 yards out. Anything further out than this is fine.
4. Turn up with flash kit and be a rubbish player.
5. Swing and a miss - not only looks bad but you can seriously loosen the tackle when you leg attempts to fly over your head.
6. Give up a penalty.
7. Fail to applaud the injured as they limp pathetically off the field.
8. Attempt a step-over and look like a prat.
If I add up the achievements of the last year I believe the 'good' list comes out at 4 and the 'bad' list is 3 so I'm doing pretty well. Well, until this weekend that is. Number 6 from the bad list was added to my list of footballing achievements and in keeping with how these things go it was horribly compounded thus: Gave away the penalty, that was scored from, that put the opposition in the lead, that was about 5 minutes from end of the game.
Gutted, absolutely gutted esp when our equalizer was ruled out for offside and when we were denied a supposed dead cert penalty in the first half.
Gutted because it wasn't even deliberate. Getting called for a deliberate hand ball is a fair cop and you know that you owe your team mates one. But when a ball comes flying in and smacks you on the hand which is at about hip level and no movement of hand to ball was made, then it doesn't seem fair. Apparently the problem was that, after contact, the ball bounced perfectly in front of me and I was thus able to control it and move out of defence easily. As comical as this sound it seems that if I had hurtled off in the opposite direction then if would not have been given. Go figure. I didn't even say 'my fault lads' so double negative points.
Gutted because we should have won the game. Two sides pretty evenly matched but since we were short of numbers we had a couple of ringers, Paul in defence doing an awesome job and Dan, the M3 driving nutter, who scored a curler from a free kick. We got the free kick because the defender thought the ball had gone out, picked it up for a throw in, and, threw it to one of his team mates. Problem was the ball didn't go out but merely crossed the 18 yard line. Poor b***ard, number 1 on the do not do list I reckon.
Gutted because up to that point I was imperious in defence even playing in the unfamiliar central defence position. Another footballing truism - you are either brilliant or suck totally there's no in-between. Last week I was brilliant, this week, back to earth with a thump.
For the Martin watchers amongst you, ask the crossbar what it's like to be caressed by one of his shots. Sorry make that two.
Comments
Just as Samson was undone by losing his locks, Kim's new trim and uneven sideburns were sure to affect the balance of him game, resulting in his moment of hand-ball!
Hopefully as the season progresses his mane returns and he'll now know to avoid the temptation of reading the 'PlayBoys' at the Palo Alto Barbers! Also when we're a goal behind, we really don't need to five minute ball retrieval time associated with Kim "making-sure" he clears any danger. In fact our new self-appointed centre-forward suggested we break out the B-B-Q in between Kim's defensive clearances ;-)
Overall the game was entertaining, although the creativity shown here in this Blog far exceeds anything seen on the soccer field!
Denied by the woodwork this week, let's see how the new team does ...
-Martin-
Team B11, the kiwimafiarejects opened their season with a convincing 4-1 win. At the back, we're solid, with James and Defensive Dave. North of the defence however, we're a little feeble, although many of our best moments featured some fine hold-up play from Paul "CHELSEA!CHELSEA!CHELSEA!" Hyams.
You'll get to see for yourselves, September 24th, JLS3, 3.30pm. Tickets are selling fast.....