Sick As A Parrot

Here's my caption for today's soccer blog:- "Realizing that his team mates were unworthy of his superlative set-up play, The Unselfish One was finally left with few options other than to peel away from and dribble past two defenders inside the box and crack a perfect finish in off the far-side post to put us in the lead. Indeed the echo of the shot smacking the post rung out across the entire pitch as a testament to the Rooneyesque quality of the goal ..." Basically he lobbed in a cross and with the now expected level of accuracy it evaded the on rushing attackers, waiting defenders and bamboozled the goal keeper who was expecting to leap forward but had to recoil backwards. Fortunately the post saved what was an awful cross and transformed it into a match leading goal. Next week he'll be providing the lottery numbers from under a ladder whilst breaking a mirror etc etc. 1 - 1 in what was a fairly even game that shou...

You try to avoid some things but then there's always this bloke banging on about doing this that and the other... " You have plenty of ammunition for the Blog this week! and don't forget your toe richocet two yards out from my Giggs-like, flighted cross ;-) ". I'm supposed to mention a flighted corner that bounced off a couple of blokes heads and ended up on my right foot and then, before I could react, ricocheted past the post by 2 feet. I should also mention a right foot drive that skimmed off a defenders head and a left foot wallop that troubled no one. All of this is irrelevant compared to the free kick Martin sent to the back post that the keeper failed to hold and subsequently pushed into the net. Great free kick if lobbing in high balls to a midget is your idea of a good time. The reason I have total sympathy for the keeper was because of my own horror show in goal. At halftime we were leading 2 - 1 at which point I did my stint between the sticks. Two minu...

A game riddled with passes down the middle and chances going a begging. I stand guilty as charged for missing at least two bankers. One particular time he picked me out whilst I was making a diagonal run, sweeping past two defenders. The pass however smacked my ankles and his reasoning was that I ran too fast. Naturally the pass was perfect but it's still the first time, probably in all footy history, that a team mate has been accused of being too fast. He bellowed through most of the game like a rutting walrus. Afterwards I mentioned that I was playing up front so I didn't think I needed to charge back like a midfielder, every time they attacked. 'Oh' he says I thought you were playing central mid 'You should have told me'. 'What and deny you the opportunity to yell at someone'. The womens game on the next field distracted him during a throw in. "Too much junk in the trunk" he says, "But I wanted to get close enough to make sure". L...

So I send this email to Martin on the eve of our next game: 'Tuesday, 10pm, home dressing room, Stamford Bridge. Andriy Shevchenko is taking Michael Essien to task on his performance in the night's embarrassing 1-1 draw with Rosenborg. The former European footballer of the year tells Africa's finest midfielder that he tried to make too many passes through the centre of the Norwegians' formation where '70 percent of their players were'. Essien learns he should have been passing to the wings 'where they only had 30 percent of their men'. You are Essien And in response he sends back this message: Hey Sheva!, This clear disrespect for the Scottish-style game will cost you an "assist" tomorrow!, I may even elect to shoot from 12 yards out - rather than try to deliver a telling pass to you, only for you to pirouette yourself into the ground! This one needs to go on sickasaparrot.com! And Essien's a dirty bastard, which is what I like about the ...

We're all waiting for Martins review of todays game and while we wait here's a video from one of our previous games. Try to spot Martin, Phil, James and Big Ron. Enjoy!

Eyes as big as saucers and probably salivating to boot. I'm talking about First Touch Phil and I need to set the scene... We had no league games this weekend on account of it being Easter but there was a rolling pickup game. The pickup game lasts about 4 hours with about a minute break every 20 minutes for people to sub in or out. We normally play 4 or 5 of the 20 minute segments and Martin had elected to go in goal for one of them. Phil was on the opposing team and turned into a marauding centre forward once he saw Martin between the sticks. There was a two on two situation with Jinksy , I think, flying down the left wing - past our right back and me tracking Phil in the centre. The ball is crossed perfectly and I reckon Phil was already to wheel away in a goal celebration as he got in front of me. Martin stood in goal like a stunned mullet. First Touch, normally so reliable, blew it completely and ball continued it's merry way to the other side of the pitch where upon I coll...

My game scaled new heights this morning. Those heights being somewhere near the bottom of barrel. You reach those heights after stumbling through total uncoordination , by-passing reading the game and taking a quick stop at misdirected passes totally stuffing up your teammates. It's a one way trip but caught early enough detours can be put in place. My remedy is to get off the field - smartish like. The technical term is 'having a mare' and I was having it bad. When I did come off we were 2 - 1 down and in what seemed like total disarray at the back. Martin got the assist for our goal so that gave him license to bellow at everyone else who committed the mortal sin of not reading his mind. I reckon the ball should be spread wide, he wants to play it through the middle. So I tear off down the wing and watch the inch perfect passes get threaded through the middle to the opposing defenders. Nice. The morning started well enough and Martin and I were in high spirits with the t...

The Phil and James express train rolled into town this morning which could only mean one thing. The seasonal bragging rights were up for grabs. This time however the stakes were higher - all expenses paid slap up breakfast at a venue of the winners choosing on FA Cup final weekend. The 8 am kickoff left us short of players so I volunteered to do a shift in goal for the first half. Phil, sensing a potential chink in our armour, had a crack within the first few minutes. "Test the keeper early" he reckons. What a test - trotting behind the goal to retrieve the ball. Almost pulled a hammy going for that one. They got off to a flyer to be fair but we slowly got organized as people arrived and we started to get some shape. Ronnie was a rock at the back and Elliot came in bolster the back line. Phil and Jinksy were getting plenty of chances but they were being mopped up reasonably well. A comical goal, scored by Ali, near the end of the first half put us up 1 - 0 and what with stop...

3 - 3 on Sunday with them scoring with literally the last kick of the game. Of course not literally the last kick of the game coz the ref gives us time to disconsolately trudge back to the centre circle for the kick off. So technically it was the third to last kick of the game the allowed them to tie up the scores. It started reasonably badly for us with a goal being conceded after about 4 clear chances on our behalf. It was looking like one of those days - a typical Gunners performance I'd say. I was giving the new boots a run out and had sent in 4 crosses each of which begged to find a final resting place tucked up in the onion bag. I credit the new gear of course. According to the ads I reckon with the new socks and boots I'm 9.35% better footballer. That comes from the added comfort from the socks and ball control and foot stability from the boots. I can't wait to see what'll happen if I get new shin pads or god forbid some shorts with solid manly support built in...

8 - 0. Details to follow... If nothing else please appreciate the classic red-top attention grabbing reporting style whilst you wait.

Early start this weekend and the motley crew staggered forth for the 8:00am kickoff. I got the first shift in goal and as happens when someone dons the keepers kit everyone feels obliged to help warm the keeper up. I'm having none of this because as far as I'm concerned I want the ordeal over as quickly as possible. Your team mates having pop shots at you prior to the actual onslaught doesn't add up to a whole heap of fun in my books. Except the onslaught never materialised. A few balls were played over the top and I scooped them up no problem. The ball was skipping off the wet surface and they were over hitting everything which made life pretty comfortable for me. I even managed sliding grab of the ball type thing and also rolled the ball out like a real professional. See there's the problem right there. Too cocky. They got a free kick and I set the wall up to cover the near post and waited for the shot. As Jerry's shot went towards the near post I moved towards t...

We never showed up. Well literally I never showed up, for non-footballing related reasons. This is a cue, gladly taken up, for loads of bloke comments. All deserved. Anyway I strolled towards our game with about 20 minutes to go, suffered the comments from the field and the sidelines and managed to get on with about 10 minutes left of the half and game. I'd like to say that the lads done good in my absence by keeping the score to a respectable 5 - 2 - but I can't. All I can say is that after I showed up and got on the field we didn't let in any more goals and even scored one. Hey I'm not saying that my presence suddenly elevated the team to a new level but there is some simple math here folks. Still a 5 - 3 loss is no much fun no matter how you look at it. But on the positive side it does represent an improvement from our last result. At this rate we'll be winning again in about 3 weeks. Come on the lads!

About 10 minutes from the end of the game they get a corner and I'm marking the right half. The ball comes over bounces around a few body parts of various people in the penalty before a skewed header sends the ball my way. It grazes my cheek and nose and goes out for a corner. When I get home I notice a brown streak on my nose. Normally this would be attributed to failed attempts at gaining a pay rise or a promotion but it was dirt this time folks. 'Goal kick' the ref indicates and points to the 6 yard box. 'Corner, ref' I helpfully point out. The ref is steadfastly pointing to the 6 yard box refusing to change his mind. The right half mentions to the ref that I've called it as a corner but to no avail. So far so good but as we stroll out to take our positions for the goal kick our centre half starts telling me to keep quiet. ' Shut up man' he says. 'Hey sportsmanship !' I retort. 'No need for Christmas presents' he says 'Recreation...

I'm not sure of the details but apparently we lost in the weekend. No-one showed up for the game so the team was embellished by ringers looking for an early game. My absence was well known ahead of the game and I can only guess the 8:30 Sunday morning kickoff was too early for some of the lads. Commitment, dedication to the cause - these are the things that bind a team together. Phil rocked up and did a stint in goal which on the surface of things was an act of sportsmanship unrivaled. Closer examination reveals perhaps a more sinister reason for turning out for us. Yup I think our stunning 2 - 2 from last weekend goaded him into some early season scouting ahead of our head to head. Fortunately his planned scouting mission was undone by the pure unmitigated laziness of the lads. Nice one boys. The game losing goal should be on YouTube under great sporting mishaps/bloopers/disasters. Into the last minute of the game with the score at 2 - 2. A nothing ball is played through and our...

The wait is over, the season opener, a new set of team mates and finally a game to play after the winter break. We've got an excellent team with Ronaldo , Ronnie, Elliot, Ali, Josh, Marco amongst the players along with Martin, David and the new boy Ron. George the goal machine is the boss. Martin did the decent thing and signed up as a part time keeper which is great since our new team doesn't have a full time keeper. Both Martin and Elliot are supposedly our keepers for the season but in reality everyone will pitch in. Still it's great that Martin signed up, a real team player and we're grateful. Except he didn't play!. He was off skiing for the weekend but since I'm doing the same next week I can't make too big a deal about it. I figured I'd get my shift out the way smartish so I stepped up to go between the sticks for the second half. That being the case there was no way I was starting in defense for this game. Right half beckoned mainly because Ali ...

The season proper kicks off next weekend and our pre -season training wrapped up with Sundays pickup games. The final phase of our preparations started on Friday night with drinks around at Martins followed by a few hours of intensive footy watching on the telly on Saturday. Suitably fortified in mind and body we were more than prepared to usher in the new season with an hour or so of hoofing around the hallowed turf. As mentioned in the previous post the new season brings big Ron to the fore. Martin and I had assisted in getting him ready for the game by totally ignoring him ever since we pressed ganged him into the team. With the advice of 'pace yourself' and 'take it easy in the beginning mate' etc still fresh in his head, the game started and Ron took off like a startled rabbit. Obviously we need to work on that coaching technique. I imagine there was less sprinting in the Oklahoma land grabs. He started off at left back with instructions just to walk up with the l...